Texas Hold'em
I am now in my third year of "bouncer" work, but this is no time to talk about the future. Let's see how well my sophomore graduation went.
Fake No. 452: Deal
One to get the ball rolling, but nothing out of the ordinary to report.
Fake No. 453: Check
An older Illinois ID snapped right in half. Just a slight bend then CRACK! It even shocked me more than it shook him.
Fake No. 454: Raise
So you mean to tell me that when you go out on the town, you bring your sister's ID, her wallet, her gum, her hair stuff, her other stuff, but your phone. Oh, but your phone has all of your sister's information on it.
"What about Snapchat? You don't even have your name on Snapchat, or something similar?
"I don't even use Snapchat. I don't have anything."
No Snapchat. I see. But I didn't see in the figurative sense. I saw in the literal, as her Snapchat was the first app to open when she turned on her phone screen.
"Oh, that's my sister's, too."
Fake No. 455: Call
A standard fake Indiana, although the buyer was smart enough not to smile and show the pearly whites. Cardstock was too thick and the colors were off, but at least he did his part.
Fake Nos. 456, 457, 458: The Flop
The last three were a hodgepodge of wrong eye color, a friend's passport from the back of the line, and a late-night surprise right before we closed for the night.
The Turn
A self-admitted 20-year-old kid walks up and offers me six Hot Pockets as a bribe to get inside. If six Hot Pockets on one plate sounds like a lot, it is. Because they were pizza rolls.
Raise
A wedding party was walking down the street. Groomsmen, bridesmaids, gowns, suits, ties, vests. With flowers in their lapel, hands and even hair. Beaming from ear to ear, and with a photographer in tow.
And no identification on any of them other than the photographer. No money, either.
"But it's their wedding day? We just want a picture of all of us on the bar."
"So you want to bring 24 people (it was a BIG wedding) into the bar."
"Yeah."
"And take up the whole bar rail."
"For a picture, yeah."
"And not buy anything?"
"Yeah. Just a few photos."
Call
The best part of turning away one wedding is that you now know how to turn away more weddings. Getting off a party bus is one thing, but trying to sneak in a White Claw is a whole new ballgame. You can drink on the bus. you can drink in the bar. But they are two separate locations. And now you upset your sister, the bride, still in her wedding dress. Yelling at you, in her wedding dress. Then yelling at me, in her wedding dress.
The River
What do you do when someone is trying to hold multiple objects in their hand? Offer to hold one of them so they can find their ID faster, perhaps? Or you can throw them all on the ground and claim you have ADHD. Yeah, I don't think that's the right disease.
ALL IN
A young woman was walking out of the bar with a full drink. We ask her to leave it inside the bar if she's planning to come back inside.
She takes a sip.
Looks for a table.
Sees three tables, one busser bucket, metal railing and a few wood-topped barstools.
She promptly empties her nearly-full drink on the door.
Not near the door on the ground.
Not next to the door on a table.
Poured onto the glass.
Like a dog peeing on a fire hydrant.
Your move, Junior Year.
