There are stories we tell to one-up each other, and then there is this blog. Read wondrous tales of strange creatures, explore the depths of human indecency, and hopefully laugh a little as we find out what could possibly make people do what they do.
There are a few Polish Hammers in the known world.
Six-foot-eleven professional basketball player Marcin Gortat was given the moniker during his time with the Orlando Magic. He has said, however, he prefers "The Polish Machine."
Professional wrestler Ivan Putski may be the oldest at 76 years old, and although a mere 5-foot-8 he is a WWE Hall of Famer so you won't hear me bring up his stature in conversation.
Another Putski moniker is Polish Power, which I personally find more befitting of a professional wrestler.
Speaking of hammers a foot shorter than myself, although much closer in age, Polish-Canadian mixed-martial artist Chris Horodecki is a 5-8 hammer with a career record of 21-7-1-1. I'm certainly not going to fight with him over the use of the nickname.
Finally, we have Krzysztof Oliwa, the only Polish-born hockey player to date to win the Stanley Cup. He is currently the head coach of the USPHL Kalkaska Rhinos, a town I was in last summer. Small world.
But this website's Polish Hammer was so ordained by Steve Klein. A man worthy of his own legendary nickname that creating one for the sake of this web page would not do him justice. My Polish Hammer heritage came from one of Klein's visits back to Grand Rapids, Michigan, from his new home in Portland, Oregon.
After a few drinks at Founders (not my choice, but that's for a different time), we headed over to a bar for a few more. Joining in the bar's beer pong tournament, our team name was naturally JC Penny's Big & Tall. And while we did not win, we had more fun than every person in that bar combined.
A nickname was born out of an incessant mocking of two sweatpants-wearing snot-nosed brats that could not comprehend the thunder of high-quality and PBR-inspired jokes raining down on them from the heavens. That team later beat us in the consolation finals, but that's not important.
By the end of the night, one friend earned a nickname and the other would be sent a pair of Pabst Blue Ribbon suspenders and a soccer scarf over the next two summers. The Polish Hammer, while a fun sobriquet, is really more of an origin story.
Will JC Penny's Big & Tall reunite to save the world?
Only time will tell.
UPDATE: JC Penny’s Big & Tall did reunite, albeit under far different circumstances, and approximately five years later. There was brisket involved.
