Crazy in the Coconut
In the age of conspiracy theories coming from the top and trickling down, it amazes me that people find something in themselves to act crazier than previously thought possible.
My two favorite conspiracies are that Stevie Wonder isn’t blind and that Avril Lavigne died 15 years ago. Now, I don’t believe them to be true, but I was intrigued enough to listen for far too long.
I used to think working at a bar made me see the crazy side of people. Gremlins who got wet or ate after midnight. But that’s not the case. Not at all.
Going out and having a few drinks amplifies whatever is inside a person, often to the point of no return (blackout).
And crazy is as crazy does. When one person acts outside the norm, you begin to notice they are the norm, and you’re the outsider. As one of 10 sober people at the bar every weekend, you become the authoritarian, ruling with fear and intimidation.
Which is dangerously fun.
But not too much fun that you want to join in on the crazy. Being the observer can be just as entertaining.
After two slow weekends it was time to get back to business, and business is booming,
Ten IDs in seven days. Three on the Sunday before Labor Day and seven the following weekend. Not the highest total, but a great start to the new college semester.
The Haggler
This wasn’t about an ID, but it was damn good. A guy getting off the bus wanted one of the door guys to go inside, buy him a beer, give it to him, and then the following day he would come back and give us $200. It was like if Brewster’s Millions happened to Tyrone Biggums.
Both Ears Open
A bad part about being so tall is that, when dealing with shorter people, something might get lost in translation.
“Can I see your ID?”
“You’re out of beer!”
Don’t make me come down there.
Obstetrical Maneuvers in the Dark
If the women’s room is full. Wait. Please, please wait. There’s one stall in the men’s room and it’s never, ever a viable option. Because once you do go use the toilet, especially with your boyfriend in tow, you’re going to kicked out immediately. Well, not immediately. But soon after.
She had some parting words, too.
“Oh My God, stop looking at my labia! Just kidding.”
JK. LOL. GTFU.
Odds & Bellends
Too often, there are moments where you have to step outside yourself because you don’t want to break out in laughter and publicly humiliate someone for asking what they believe to be earnest questions.
“Do you guys have good tap water, dude?”
“Do I still have cocaine in my nose? I can’t be talkin to these hoes with the white.”
“Yeah, I’ve been fucked up here before.”
“So, I pissed in the alley. I haven’t done anything bad inside.”
“LET ME IN,” said man with drying vomit from his collar to his belt.
“Oh, you have to be 21 to be in here?” asked sophomore soccer player wearing his monogrammed windbreaker who just got caught jumping the fence.
“Will you please let her jacket in?”
The Dry Spell
I used to listen to A Prairie Home Companion show archive while studying. One segment featured the Ketchup Advisory Board. You see, ketchup has natural mellowing agents, so when the bouncer catches you fingering a bottle of ketchup, at least you’ll be calm when you get shooed out of the building licking it from your hands.
Not to blame the victim, but the bottle was thrown away forthwith.
Now let’s blaze through some IDs.
No. 459: Snapchat Inception
By now many of you saw the video on Facebook. A girl kept “trying” to push the buttons on her Snapchat profile bitmoji, revealing a name quite different than the one on the ID.
No 460: North Carolina Jesus Fresco
Remember that woman who tried to rehab the fresco of Jesus and it looked more like a muppet? Well, words to the wise, when you rub out the bottom half of an ID to obscure the face, you better make sure the hair color, eye color, and height match first. He claimed he had an 8-inch growth spurt after he turned 21.
No 461: Makin’ Conversation
More words to the wise - don’t make it a point to talk to me and mention our heights. Yes, you were 6-6 and I’m a little taller. But then don’t hand me someone else’s fake that says 5-11.
No. 462: BoyFiend
Let me get this straight. Everything in that wallet, clearly a woman’s wallet, belongs to your boyfriend? And your ID is all you have that’s yours? His credit cards, his health insurance card, his Biggby card, his tampons. All his. Gotcha.
Nos 463 & 464: Two For One Special
When carding a group, don’t stop at the first ID. Keep checking until you’ve seen them all, because there’s about a 1 in 4 chance that group is carrying more than one fake. And dollars to donuts it’s either young white women or college athletes.
No. 465: BuzzBuzz Ohio
It took her a while. The ID was in pocket and she was just standing there. Not moving or talking. Looking. First at me. Then at the ground. And then she left. But those 20 speechless seconds felt like FOREVER.
No 466: Conn Girl
Connecticut, where nobody is from, is an easy fake to spot. Easier when the iD is already creased. Another bar likely creased it, but gave it back to her. Their loss is my gain, I guess.
She and her boyfriend did not take it well. At first it was threatening me with violence, then belittling my intelligence. The girl followed this by bribing me with a whole $10. Wow. Deep pockets on this girl. And as they both walked away, the boyfriend wanted to get in one more dig.
“Does being a bouncer even support a family?”
Is it supposed to? I do this shit for fun.
No 467: Megan Ruins Everything
Shut up, Meg. And take your … actually I’ll be taking that ID from you.
No 468: Walking on Sunshine
She was walking on something because she was still walking in the bar after I took her ID. Like, what, the ID is a deposit for entry? Oh, gee, I got caught, so, like, I can drink now? Kthnxbye!
