Reputation Earned
A pub crawler using a fake ID said that my bar was the “one place I said NOT to go.”
And that’s why it’s getting harder to write these.
Fakes to my bar have rapidly slowed in recent weeks. After a strong showing at the beginning of the school year we’re down to two, three, or four on any given week.
Other bars are ramping up pressure, which is good. Some places are banning college students from buying past a certain time or on certain Greek streets. All well and good.
But I’ve got a milestone to reach.
And stories to tell.
So this is going to be a fairly short story despite covering Halloween and the weekend after.
That crawler, he was No. 486.
No. 484 was nothing special while No. 485 tried to slouch a few inches to avoid detection.
No. 487 missed the mark by six months after attempting to prove that her “birthday was yesterday,” and not in April, which is what was on the card.
No. 488 had issues with her phone brightness “draining my battery,” even though she had enough juice to have a 10-minute conversation with her friend soon after.
And No. 489 could be called from a mile away. Her group of eight showed up, tried to cut in line, was turned away because she didn’t have an ID, only to come back 30 minutes later with a laughably bad impersonation attempt with a friend's expensive enhanced ID.
Halloween was uninspiring. There were two great costumes, in my opinion, though both of the same theme. Once couple went as a wigged Cosmo and Wanda from the Fairly Odd Parents. It’s a classic cartoon.
The next night a couple came up as Cosmo and Wanda, but this time they dyed their hair green and pink. They went the extra mile.
What is that, beef jerky?
It was a bag of Halloween candy.
Can I get some beef jerky? I love me some beef jerky.
Nope. It's Halloween candy. Because Halloween was two days ago.
So I can or can’t have your beef jerky?
Sir, I’m no longer allowing you into the bar.
We were doing hardcore parkour.
You picked up and threw local government property at 1:30 in the morning.
You ever see the office?
Yes. They were in an office.
But it’s just parkour, we’re not even drunk.
If picking up the city’s construction sandbags and throwing them over your shoulder is part of your sober activity, then I don’t want to see your drunk activity.
You sound like you voted for Hillary.
It was actually Gary Johnson but I’m not sure how that changes the fact that you picked up a sandbag, threw it, then want to be rewarded with alcohol when it’s practically 2:30 in the a.m. after daylight savings just ended.
You’re missing out on 4 people buying beers.
I’m OK with that. If you’re one of my bartender friends reading this and really want to split that $2 tip they were going to leave you I’ll give you each a JFK half dollar on Friday.
We’re not some Mexican doing drugs in there, we’re buying beers.
And people say I’m the racist.
There’s nothing in there, just clothes.
Please, just humor me and open your backpack.
Oh, I totally forgot they were in there.
Sure. You totally forgot you were carrying a half-drunk bottle of orange juice and a near-empty bottle of Malibu. Totally normal things to carry around downtown.
Should I go throw them away?
Yes, you should go away.
Can we bring our lemonades in?
No. Also, that fifth of Tito’s can’t come in either.
What were the Three Amigos drinking?
Sangria. A bold move. Shooters you can hide in your socks but a bottle of Sangria? You’re dressed in ponchos and sombreros. Isn’t that a little too on-the-nose?
Can I get a hug?
Ummmm, who ar …
If you don’t hug me your being anti-Semitic.
… e you? OK, one hug. Let’s not get that Google Review the weekend after Pittsburgh.
And that’s been my last two weeks in a nutshell.
