If You Give a Jon a Cookie
He'll still take your fake ID.
But if it's a bag of cookies, or say, a club sandwich or slider, I guess I could remember your face when the next line forms.
Tensions were high this weekend. A freak heat wave and low morals meant nobody was safe from snide remark to full-blown verbal throwdowns.
From military veterans arguing with other vets to strangers inside the bar yelling at strangers outside the bar, you couldn't go 15 minutes without somebody breaking down in tears or tightening up their shoulders and clenching their fists.
I sure hope it was the heat.
I can't go all-in for a repeat of last weekend. I was surprised I had gas in the metaphysical tank to deal with devilishly disturbing mad moshers and fainting manic pixie dream girls at my other job.
Plus, I'm not sure I want my stats to suffer as they did.
The heat brought out all the wrong types of humanity and somehow kept the minors at bay.
Friday Fake No. 1 (236): False GOD
Michigan forgeries range from the incredibly expensive to the relatively cheap. I have taken both kinds and the difference between a pricey fake and cheap fake is as easy to spot as an expensive fake to the genuine article.
There are three leading online creators of fake Michigan IDs. You have the $140+ stylings of Ted Danzig, a $100+ entry from IDLucy and the ever so cheap waste of space IDgod for around $20.
You can peel the magnetic strip off the back of an IDgod, notice the poor UV and holos of a Lucy and spot key font and color changes in a Ted.
And when you take a Ted the people get ANGRY. I mean, that's near $200 they spent on a fake ID if they get a duplicate with purchase.
After a 5 minute push and pull with a girl who brought a fairly decent Ted to my doorstep I finally asked her where she got it.
"Is this a Ted or Lucy?"
"I don't know those people."
"No, the ID. I guess it could be a god as well?"
"No, dude," her boyfriend chimes in, "I've had a god, and that's way better than a god."
Thanks, dude.
Friday Fake No. 2 (237): Pennsylvania Dunce
By their nature, Pennsylvania IDs looks cheap enough as is. They are printed on PVC, have a simple color scheme with almost no tough black light test, and can be purchased for pennies on the dollar en masse.
PAs account for at least 10-15 percent of all my taken forged IDs.
So getting angry about a $30 piece of plastic shouldn't be that big of a deal. Or so I thought.
"IT'S ILLEGAL TO TAKE MY ID."
"Ummm ... pretty sure it's more illegal to have a fake ID."
"YOU CAN'T TAKE IT BECAUSE IT'S OUT OF STATE."
"Riiight," I replied in a Dr. Evil voice.
"You have to give it back!"
She tries to take it from my hand. The boyfriend, too.
"Sorry, but you've got to go. NOW."
If I ever come out of my low dulcet NPR voice you done messed up.
"I will call the police. You can't just steal my property."
"Is it stealing if it's already illegal to own it?"
She walked away at that point. Not all the way, though. Her group stuck around and hurled some insults my way for a good 20 minutes.
I can't wait until it's colder. Nobody hangs around outside when it's colder.
That's all folks. Just the two IDS. In the timeless words of a great politician, "Take care of yourself, and each other."
