Dial M for Moron
Some IDs are hard to confiscate. You have to know all the details. You could see all of the facial cues, height cues, body language cues, and still be on the fence. You can stand in front of a man or woman, waiting for that one brief second where a slip of the tongue or eye roll will let you discover which lie they're trying to avoid.
Where each intake of breath tightens your chest.
And another.
And another.
Until it's held for one second too long and they finally break and I find the lie uncovering who they really aren't. We spend an entire lifetime trying to peer into one another's secrets because when we're caught in a lie it feels as if the whole world falls apart. We twist and turn every phrase. Make every excuse. Dream up fantastical tales to throw our adversaries off the trail.
Or you can just walk up to me with giant Ms on your hands.
That works.
I mean, you weren't even trying to hide the M(inor marking)s. And then you hand me an ID with a smiling picture with Indiana border. And you forget how old you are?
You forget how to do simple arithmetic.
"How old are you?"
"I'm 28."
ID reveals age is 27.
"One more chance. How old are you? The exact number?"
"October ...?"
My God. Why can't they all be this easy?
I'm a hair over one-quarter of the way to another cake. I have sniffed out 126 fake IDs since mid-August, an average of 14 per month. A number which grows to 15.3 if you take out the three weekends I've taken off for trips.
Of those 126, two have been forged Michigan IDs. Yes, I caught another one. And it wasn't even the fun one. It was sandwiched between a misused ID and a blatantly fake Ohio that shattered like an accordion when I bent it the slightest amount. I took three IDs in less than four minutes, each minor in full view of the other having their ID taken away.
And then Fauxhio had the gall to still try and walk into the bar. What?
So you think I'm going to take your ID. Have it snap in my hands and think to yourself, "yeah, normal behavior. Classic ID."
These cards cost money. Way more money than a real ID. At best, enhanced versions cost, what, $20? Maybe a little more for handling. A Michigan forgery costs upwards of $160. And then I just put it in my pocket.
That's like getting the most expensive perm right before you stand in a line where you see every third person in front of you get Nickelodeon slimed, count it out, come to the conclusion that you, too, will be slimed, and keep walking toward the slime!
Ms all around.
I am often asked why hasn't word gotten around that my establishment, or that there's a bar within a two-mile radius of my establishment, takes IDs.
I enjoy writing these stories as much as you enjoy reading them. Now, how many of you are sharing them with someone under 21? I'm guessing it's not many, So I'll keep seeing these youngsters and fulfilling their dreams of seeing a real-life magician make $160 vanish into the thin air only to reappear in my thickly-lined pockets.
Ta-Da!
