Big Bad in Beantown: Wagons East

Total Miles ~ 1,200

Day 1: Grand Rapids to Pittsburgh

I chose Pittsburgh as the first destination simply because I’ve been there before AND I didn’t want to repeat the same place twice on the trip. Cleveland was already going to be the last weekend, and driving a longer amount didn’t appeal to me. As far as plans go, this was purely a drive out for a while and rest situation.

Once I got to the hotel, it was a quick map look to where the closest Primanti Bros. was and what the weather looked like.

My incredibly undependable weather app told me rain, so I grabbed my rain jacket and walked downtown. Holy crap was that the wrong decision. I was boiling in that coat because it rained for maybe 5 of the 30 minutes I was inside the restaurant. And boy, let me tell you, that food was mightily bland.

A walk to Point State Park at dusk set up the shots on the water, and the view of Heinz and PNC Park in the distance. My family and I already tailgated Brewers/Pirates game a few years ago, so there was no pressure to see a new stadium even though a game was going on.

One boiling and humid walk later, I was in bed and ready for the next long drive day.

Day 2: Pittsburgh to Pottsville to Stroudsburg

This was the first day I actually had something planned that wasn’t “drive to place and sleep.” Because on this day I traveled to Pottsville, PA, home of the Yuengling Brewery. Looking at the map in the early days of planning, I had a few choices to make. One of the bigger decisions was actually where to stay on Day. 2.

Truth be told, I built this trip in reverse. I bought tickets to shows in Cleveland, which were a week before the Boston Calling Music Festival, which was Memorial Day weekend. I didn’t want to fly either, so the long road trip — something I’ve always wanted to do — was born. And you can’t do a long road trip a thousand miles away and do anything meaningful in a week. So, I needed to fill some space.

I guess I just didn’t know how much space was in Central Pennsylvania.

A lot.

A lot a lot.

Scenery 10/10. Rolling hills, green mountains, windows down, fresh air, blue/grey skies. Beautiful. A great drive from one side of the state to the other … if you weren’t trying to find the place that barely pops up on Google Maps and then makes you take a 1-hour detour through family farms to get there.

But when I got to Pottsville all that didn’t matter, because I was in for the last tour of the day, and apparently the last tour gets to see something extra…like the assembly line when it’s not moving.

And the Rathskeller. Ooooohhh. Ahhhhh.

OK, so it was all very cool. Learned a lot of cool trivia like how they go to stay open during prohibition by passing our prescription cards for sixers of Porters, and how the cooling effects of the caves made it perfect to make and store ice cream.

We couldn’t see everything on the tour in part because of Covid and also because the brewery was shutting down for the day. But we did get to see the Rathskeller and all of its ornate furnishings. After an extended stay in the gift shop (I got a long sleeve and a signed baseball by Dick Yuengling, CEO) it was off to Stroudsburg.

And that’s when I realized my first big mistake of the trip.

I had the choice between Allentown and Scranton early on. But after hemming and hawing, I split the distance and found Stroudsburg in the heart of the Poconos, and a hop-skip and jump away from the PA/NJ border.

I took too long to do any hiking in the Poconos, a plan if I had the chance. My options were then find food and get sleep. The food was real bad. I don’t leave reviews but let’s just say, avoid the Pocono Pub and its flavorless, Communion-esque wafer pierogi, and soupy mac and cheese, which I ordered with steak. In my head, steak and mac is an entrée and a side. But they switched it on me and put steak pieces in the soupy mac bowl. No wonder Pennsylvanians are stereotypically angry. All they eat are bland burgers and wet meat.

It was also the worst hotel experience. They put me in the room behind the sign facade, which I didn’t think was really a room because it was so damn wide. Yes, I’m complaining about a room that’s too wide. Why? Because I think sometime ago, they decided that a general meeting space in the middle of the hallway right next to the elevator could squeeze out a couple more rooms. When time came to actually furnish it, they stopped and realized two rooms wouldn’t work. But then just left everything where it was, pushed to one side like Jamiroquai just finished dancing in it.

But the beer was good.

Day 3: Stroudsburg to Narragansett

Waking up to take in the fresh sounds of Pocono Mountain highway traffic, I couldn’t wait to leave. For today, I was going to several places I had never been before. First up, New Jersey.

It was quite nice.

That said, I didn’t go to anywhere that wasn’t on a freeway. No Atlantic City. No Trenton. No Newark. None of it. I think I saw the New jersey bits that make it the Garden State without seeing the parts that made The Sopranos State.

This was taken at one of those “scenic viewpoints” along the highway that you hardly see in the Midwest. Northern New Jersey was very fun to drive through and gave me an unexpected pick-me-up. I was going to need it because next on the map was…

The George Washington Bridge.

What a shitshow.
Enduring one of the worst bridges I can remember, this road work made Michigan seem like we’re as competent of road builders as the ancient Romans. I’m honestly surprised it’s still standing.

White-knuckling aside, I did manage to get a full-on side view of lower Manhattan. It looked fake. Like shards of icicles jutting from the distance. Twenty minutes later I was free from its grasp and headed toward Connecticut.

I am so very glad I avoided Philadelphia and New York City this trip. The temptation was there, but the will was not.

Connecticut is boring as hell. The sign didn’t even say “Welcome to” whatever state it is. Still don’t know. Let’s look it up.

The Constitution State, The Nutmeg State, The Provisions State.

Ok, I might give them a pass because those are all terribly uninviting. The whole drive had a Soviet feel. Blocky buildings with no emotional architecture. Just bricks and glass, all presumably crafted in the 1980s by people with high shoulder pads and Patrick Bateman’s cleaning routine.

Phew, now we’re in Rhode Island.

And going 40 miles per hour. Max.

I swear everywhere on this trip was always 17 miles away but took 90 minutes to get there.

For the second time, I got to see the Atlantic Ocean. This was much better than the first (when I hit a mini putt golf ball into oncoming traffic).

I made the reservation at the Spanish restaurant before I made the motel reservation. Both ended up amazing. This version of Spain had octopus arranged like I’ve never seen before (or will again), a bread pudding to die for, and a guy who would not stop doing the Molly Shannon Mary Katherine Gallagher armpit move from Superstar during his birthday party. If you’re ever in Narragansett, Rhode Island and need a place to stay, I recommend the Anchor Motel.

Gee, Jon likes somewhere named The Anchor? No way.

Day 4: Narragansett to Springfield to Worcester to Woburn

Going to bed to the sounds of the Atlantic Ocean is pretty magical and now I can kind of understand why politicians destroy the rest of the world for a bunch of money to move there when they retire.

Leaving world domination at bay for now, I packed up and headed to Springfield, Massachusetts, another unfamiliar state, to see the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame.

Meh.

OK, so maybe not a full meh, but if you’re a Bucks fan like I am, there’s not much there.

The building itself is interesting. It looks like something out of Men In Black. Well, if Men In Black had a Coldstone Creamery and several other businesses inside it. Real strip mall feels going in.

The museum itself was alright. Memorabilia about the history of basketball and its players, but the big part was the full court atrium.

The two Bucks jerseys belonged to Bob Lanier and Craig Hodges. Lanier was a former first overall pick and recently passed away (the jersey was in the In Memoriam case), and Hodges is…known for protesting the George HW Bush admin while he was with the Bulls.

He’s not even one of the Top 30 Bucks. Maybe even Top 50. I have no idea why his jersey is in the Hall of Fame.

Kareem Abdul Jabbar’s stuff? All Lakers or UCLA.

Oscar Robertson? Cincinnati.

Giannis had the wingspan thing in the upper bowl area. That was marginally cool. Next to Mugsy, Shaq, Yao and a handful of other players. Do you know who has a bigger wingspan than Giannis? Brittney Griner.

I did get to go on the court and shoot at some hoops. I missed EVERY shot on the normal rim.

EVERY SINGLE ONE.

They had a ‘dunk’ area with 7-foot, 8-foot, and 9-foot rims. Those were all very easy. Didn’t even have to leave my feet. You couldn’t dunk on the main rim.

I was successful at making baskets on the evolution of basketball wall. The one with a peach basket. If someone was keeping stats, I was somewhere in the neighborhood of 5/34 (0/4 from 3). I am not looking at sharpening my skills.

Post embarrassment that the tallest person in the basketball hall of fame couldn’t actually make a basket on a hoop that wasn’t fully made of wood, I ventured to Worcester.

Speaking of wood, I was there to visit one of my college roommates.

My favorite roommate, which coincidentally was also the shortest tenured roommate.

Lots of shared stories, reminiscing, blasts from pasts, etc. I also ate this:

Birria Ramen at The Hangover Pub.

One of the best things I ate all trip.

Once back at the cars, we snapped this pic. I first met Woody in 2006, and last saw him in the winter of 2007. That’s almost 15 years and now I feel so old typing this out.

Woody has a brother, Buddy, who I was not roommates with but did meet up with in Tulsa, Oklahoma in 2014. Here’s the two of them. If you’re wondering which is which, when I met Buddy, I still had hair.

Also, I really need to have taller people take pictures of me. The angles are … unpleasant. After this meeting, it was onto Boston-adjacent.