Big Bad Concert Rankings: 80-71

Somebody help me, I’m listening to house and techno while impatiently awaiting my impulse trip to Miami in May.

The first time I was in Florida I though thousands of people were chasing me at Disney World. My dad and I got to the starting line where all the roller coasters were, but I, all of 4 years old, could not wrap my head around my people were gathering around us. Cue the starter pistol and the running.

I couldn’t take it. I though we were being chased so I broke down and cried. My dad sat me on a park bench and calmed me down. We then spent a lot of time on the “It’s a Small World After All” ride. A long time. Too many times.

There has to be a sweet spot age for Disney World. And 4 ain’t it.

The second time we went to Florida, we flew TWA, a defunct airline that lost our luggage for 3 days.

Traveling to Florida in the spring and summer is already prime time for hot and sticky season, but having only two shirts, one pair of shorts, and an emergency pack of technically clean underpants is not ideal.

Little did I know that Busch Gardens would be one of my final forays into the world of roller coasters. I would have tried to enjoy it more. Your brain just does not think that far ahead at 11 years old. Yes, I was taller than my mom and almost as tall as my dad … but they were average to begin with. Who knew in three years I would be relegated to teacups, pirate ships, log flumes, and the Michigan’s Adventure Lakeside Glider for the rest of my natural life.

So, that’s what will run through my mind for the next two months.

UPDATE: Fuck the virus, but also stay inside whenever possible!

If anyone is wondering, I’m going to the III Points festival (now in October). The Strokes, Robyn, Rufus Du Sol and the Wu-Tang Clan are the main headliners. From what I saw the festival is a bunch of art installations, an open convention center parking lot with a giant disco ball suspended from an industrial crane, a greenhouse as a venue, something called the Boiler Room, and the party goes until 5 a.m. Should be fun.

80. AWOLNATION

I was going to stay in the room. It was July 3, after all. Milwaukee’s big fireworks day. I was going to wait until my family, Bert included, was awake to see if they wanted to go to dinner or Summerfest or watch the fireworks from the top floor. They were asleep. Pooped. Dead tired. Couldn’t wake them. Any of them. So, I dipped out, took the five minute walk to the waterfront and went to the Summerfest grounds. For food, mainly.

I get down to the grounds, have some food, a root beer float, and massage my feet on the barrels. There are two shows of interest — AWOLNATION and Sylvan Esso. But SE was going to be under the roof of the Johnson Controls stage. A real bummer for the big fireworks night.

It’s No. 74 because the light show worked supremely well with the amped up crowd and how the stage sits near the water. The US Cellular stage is now more country based, which is a drag because the best alt and indie shows always had the best access to the north side of the park, the water, and the Leinenkugels beer station. I’m not generally a fireworks lover. Seen one, seen them all. But there was something different about July 3, 2015.

79. Eve 6

Holy Hell. Never in my life have I witnessed so many crowd surfers. I have also never witnessed so many for a show that wasn’t even half full. They were throwing people from the third row. Some wanted it, some seemed like they had no idea people were conspiring to hoist them up and over sweaty swaths of post punk partygoers. I caught most of the people going over the barricade, for my section. When you’re in that crowd surfing scenario, it’s typically a two or three-man job. One person steps up on the barricade platform while one or two other guards hold onto your back or belt to keep you from falling into the crowd.

With such a low recorded attendance, however, it was one man per surfer. Lost and found had a field day post show, as wallets, keys, shoes, shirts, phones, you name it was being sifted amongst the trash. Like Eve 6’s jams were the bullies shaking down their audience for lunch money.

78. Def Leppard [Styx, Foreigner]

Walking through the lawn section of the Marcus Amphitheater, a woman looked like she was in distress. My partner and I walked through the middle aged sea and checked up on her. Somehow she got drunk off $6 Miller Genuine Drafts and was getting handsy.

“Don’t you like Styx? Have you heard Foreigner? THIS IS MUSIC,” and then she clasped my head with her clammy hands and shook me into a forced headbanging. This was not the Mrs. Robinson moment an eighteen year old envisions.

I avoided her at all costs during Pour Some Sugar on Me.

77. The Brian Setzer Orchestra

New Rock Fests notwithstanding, this was one of the first concerts I can remember in its entirety. Way back when swing was super popular and everyone (me) and their mother (my mom) was jumping and jiving. Why does a performance from 1999, when I was 10, ring so well in my memory? I don’t know.

Maybe it was the full orchestra set behind Setzer, each band member getting their own space to work from. Or the position of the Miller Lite Oasis, set 90 degrees to the Hoan Bridge before its eventual reformation a decade later. Whatever it was, I’m glad it’s stuck in there.

76. Fruition [The Mighty Pines]

My aunt billed Fruition as a suitor to Trampled by Turtles, who was coincidentally playing on the same night across town. Fruition lived up to the pairing, but the real standout was The Might Pines from St. Louis. You have to be an incredible opener for me to buy your music, but when I buy your tees? That’s flat-out gold and I hope they come around these parts again.

75. Strand of Oaks

This, amazingly, is the only artist on this segment to come from the recommendation of my aunt. One of her random burned CDs we swap had this incredible sounding guitarist and lyricist that I couldn’t pass up live if I ever had the chance. This high placement proves her right. While not theatrical, he let the guitar speak for himself, or, sometimes his mother who is from Southern Michigan. She came up and sang a couple tunes, which I feel was special to only our leg of the tour. And even though I swore, SWORE, to never buy a black concert tee again after loading my closet full of them, I bought a black concert tee. It was just my size, ring-spun cotton, and I got a discount because it was the last one they had in stock. Such a sucker.

74. Rick Springfield

This almost never happens, the second show besting the first, but it did. Second time really was the charm for Springfield. His show was a cross between new songs, old hits, Viet Nam storytelling, an acoustic set where you could hear a pin drop, and the squees of my mom who got to hold his hand. The tour also has signed guitars and meet and greet packages starting at $750. I said to my mom, “who would pay $750 for a guitar they won’t play?” The answer is nine people.

73. We Were Promised Jetpacks [Slaughter Beach, Dog]

First, I have to make it clear there was just one opener, who happened to have a comma in the band name. That said, cool band name. Second, WWPJ is yet another throwback to Sirius XM during junior and senior year studying sessions. Pretty much every show in the Top 100 is a a good show that I throw praise at. If you have time, listen to the album These Four Walls.

72. Def Leppard [Heart]

Speaking of old rock stars and things that almost never happen, the second Def Leppard show was also their best. I was a spectator this time around, close enough to see the ‘Helen’ tattoo on Phil Collen’s abdomen. My mom’s best friend couldn’t help herself and asked my mom why the guitarist had my grandma’s name tattooed on his tummy.

71. Peter Bjorn and John

Severely underrated band that me and like, 75 people saw. While the stage can hold at least a few hundred more people, three things were happening on the grounds the same night that took many eyes of the true prize. Chris Stapleton was at the Amp with Alabama Shakes, Nelly was at Harley, Billy Idol at BMO, Randy Houser at the Oasis, and Rachel Platten (Fight Song) was at the US Cellular stage. Everyone had their own thing social media said they “had to see,” and PB&J was left to the wayside. And they crushed it. What should feel like a big party was suddenly quite intimate. And for a spin, the lights stayed on for more than half the set. For a 10 p.m. start, it had a very daytime, chill, lakeside vibe. Whether or not it was a glitch on the mixing board or not, it worked.