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Hello.

There are stories we tell to one-up each other, and then there is this blog. Read wondrous tales of strange creatures, explore the depths of human indecency, and hopefully laugh a little as we find out what could possibly make people do what they do.

Detox December

Detox December

Big Bad Jon

I’m not attempting a factory reset. I’m far too unmotivated for that in 2019. Next year will be different, maybe.

But I am going to make some changes.

I’ve done this kind of thing before. In April and May of this year I stopped drinking energy drinks, soda, and any cocktails or mixed-drink shots. And beer. That’s the big one. If I had anything to drink adultingly, it would be a straight shot, followed by a water. I lost 12 pounds over that two-month span. And then subsequently gained all that back, plus an additional 10 pounds.

What happened?

Gains, brah.

I went heavy into strength training. Protein shakes after every workout, then full meals, then late-night snacks. I was working out like I was back in college, when I was really good at it. I even eclipsed benchmarks I hadn’t hit since I was 19.

Like pull ups. I did a fucking pull up at 30 years old. And then on some days, I could do two pull ups. And one day, I did three (not in a row). And dips! Unassisted dips. Sets of dips, too. Benching 225 for warmups, leg pressing 11, 12, 13, 14, and 15-hundred pounds. Hooray!

The heaviest since college, doing things I couldn’t do in college, where I was a Division 1-AA athlete.

But here’s where it hurts. While I am physically stronger than 98% of all other people in this city, and can easily pick someone up and carry them the distance of the bar, I don’t need to do it in the winter. Mobility tends to be what matters most in the colder months, security-wise. It’s a leverage game now. The crowds aren’t as rowdy, and when they do get out of hand, creating separation is more crucial than the hearty push out the door.

So, that’s why I’m making the change. Cutting the weight, and those gains, probably.

That might be the most irksome, training-wise. The strongest person in the gym is probably the most unhealthy looking person in the gym. And if they are ridiculously strong, odds are they’re not 6-foot-8. Go to YouTube and search the biggest fitness experts and insta-gurus. They’re … short. Like, shorter than average short. 5-4 to 5-9. And then there’s strongmen athletes who are very tall, like Brian Shaw or Thor (The Mountain). That’s the other end of the spectrum. I’m not gaining an extra 100 pounds to look and be that level of fit. I don’t need to lift a car. I have AAA for that.

On the flipside, the fittest people are often significantly less strong than people of my build. There are bodybuilders I know personally who max out at my warmups or intermediate sets. That’s frustrating as hell.

So I’m going to try to do the whole look better, feel better thing.

This month is just the start. The detox.

  • No energy drinks, or soda, or beer, or alcohol of any kind. And it started yesterday.

  • No late-night, post-moonlighting snacks. Or eating after 10 p.m.

  • Sleeping right. 7 or 8 hours when I can get it, which isn’t too hard, even on my schedule.

  • Eating balanced meals without skipping anything important.

  • No more added protein, powders, pre- and post-workout shakes, and other poundage packers.

  • No more workroom snacks during the day.

  • Less orange juice and other sugary juices.

  • Less milk and dairy, which will probably be the biggest feat after beer.

That’s the plan, anyway, for December. What comes after will be the challenge.

Well, challenges.

I don’t just create pages on my website willy-nilly.

Next year is going to be different.

Here’s what I’m thinking: every month, a new challenge.Maybe it’s 100 somethings for every day, or a dietary regimen, or some type of workout goal. Each month and new constant to lead into an overall fitter lifestyle.

Notice I did not say healthier.

I think I’m pretty damn healthy right now. By no means do I feel weak, tired, sluggish, sedentary, or seasonally depressed. In fact, *when standing, people don’t think I’m as … heavy … as I am. That’s been prevalent since college. I had a teammate who was on a weight gaining regimen ask if I thought I would have trouble getting up to 285 if the coaches asked me to. I was already 305 at that point.

A patron this past weekend said much of the same thing. He couldn’t believe I weighed what I weighed. In some ways, I can’t believe it, either. Then I saw my friend’s music video I appeared in a few months ago. It’s yet to be released but I’ve got a few precious seconds of screen time. The upward angle isn’t kind. Muscles? Huge. I look downright gigantic. And I know that’s the image they wanted.

Time for an image I would like.

My plan so far includes a year-long program of intermittent fasting following the 16:8 rule, and these workouts:

January: 100 body squats

February: 100 pushups

March: 300 jumping jacks

April: 300 jumping jacks

May: 200 Russian Twists (100 each side)

June: 200 in & outs

July: 3 one-minute planks

August: 100 triceps dips (bench)

September: 3 one-minute wall sits

October: 100 Supermans

November: 100 lunges (50 each side)

December: 100 Spider-Man pushups

If anyone has anything better to recommend, please let me know.

The Office Doughnut Problem

The Office Doughnut Problem