Regular Idiots
One of my biggest pet peeves is people taking advantage of situations they wouldn't usually be in if not for the benevolence of someone else.
Last night I was accused of being a robot. Thankfully, it wasn't the other "R" word that people accuse me of being. I told him, "Have you met me? I act the same way every day. For two years."
Friend or foe, I'm the same guy. It's your job to remain a friend.
Because I have too many foes as it is.
Fake No. 442: Ginger Snaps
I'm not saying people with ginger hair are second-class citizens, but they are way too easy to spot on an ID and in real life. You know when the two don't match.
Fake No. 443: The Net
One of my favorite excuses women use is "I don't have any service." or "I can't log in (to my social media)." To which the only reply I have is, "I'll wait."
Phones aren't that hard to use. Plus, you were using Snapchat in line. We all saw you. I was probably in the background. The internet is a beautiful thing most of the time, just not for you, this time.
Fake No. 444: Only Stephen King is From Maine
These are states where "nobody" is from: Maine, Rhode Island, Utah, Delaware, Connecticut, Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota, Vermont, and New Hampshire. Yes, people live there and were born there, but nobody travels to a specific place from there, hundreds of miles from home, to have a shitty beer and Long Island Ice Teas.
Am I looking at your ID too long? You're damn right I am.
Fake Nos. 445, 446 & 447: Midway Madness
Some call them FIBs. It stands for Fucking Illinois Bastards. I learned this term while working my first security job in Wisconsin, and boy does it accurately describe some people.
Three minors tried to use a sister's, brother's, and friend's ID last weekend. All were from Illinois, and all siblings or buddies were not in the same state. All three tried to get older members of the family to bribe me $20 for all three. A pittance.
The first was a woman with an older Illinois, but her backup was a student ID with the face crossed out. Yes. Crossed. Out. Does that work anywhere? Does she shop at a lot of blind-owned bodegas?
The next was a guy waiting in line with his friends. He was next in line but got distracted by some halter top/Daisy Duke combination and wasn't paying much attention. So his friends called out his name. "Hey, Jack! Turn around."
Jack, you say?
The ID thinks your name is Christopher. Interesting.
The last of the wild bunch wasn't anything like the girl on the ID. Strawberry blond, bright blue eyes, presumably a rich, Austrian heritage dating back to somewhere in the 1940s. Not the Selena Gomez that was standing right in front of me. It was her boyfriend that offered the $20 for all three, because she, of course, had to drive them all back to Chicago.
Fake No. 448: Imma Be
"I'm gonna be honest. It's not me."
No shit, because you claimed that you lost your wallet, yet still had an ID. Three minutes later the actual girl came up with a passport, claiming she, too, lost her wallet. What are the odds of two different people losing the same wallet?
If only I could tell her the good news!
Ignominious Bastards
Please don't be like these people.
- Old Man with picture of ID on his phone. "C'mon, man. He's 50." Yeah, and still dumb enough to think that would work. If it's not good enough for the cops, it's not flying in the bar.
- Shoe-less Fighter "Fights" Man. Listen, fighting needs to come back in style. Men need to take more self-defense classes or read more Jack Reacher because this is getting sad. Two missed hay-makers and one guy is on top of the other practicing "The New Kama Sutra." That's a Menage-a-No for me, thanks.
- 5 Guys Bud Lights and Lies. We had five dudes, in a row, try to sneak out tall Bud Lights in their trousers. Some went in the pocket, others tried down the laundry chute, and one went for the ol' tucked under the sleeve. Let's just say there was a lot of friendly fire in the beer splatter department.
- I may not know your name, but I know my name. Yes, I see a lot of faces, and sometimes I may have to add you on social media to remember your name. But I'll never just guess out your name if I'm not sure. And if you're reading this shortly after receiving a friend request, please skip to the next part. A woman walked up and said, "Hey Joe, can my two friends get in?" I said who's Joe? and she volleyed back, "Joe. You. Are you joking with me? You're Joe. Oh, well I thought I knew you." Somehow I became the bad guy I never knew I was.
- Brewster's Millions was a movie about John Candy ruining the life of Richard Pryor by giving him more money before getting caught by the NYPD's Jerry Orbach and the New York Yankees, or something like that. Anyway, there was a guy spouting all kinds of stuff about being a millionaire in disguise. He looked 90 percent homeless. He was inside, drinking, and he did have cash and a $1,200 iPhone. Hard to tell really. He then went on a 20-minute Facebook Live rant on the people in the line. "You look like Bjork, but better!" "I'm a black guy that LOVES Alanis Morisette. Anybody else love Alanis Morisette?" "I'm going home to masturbate to this later." (Proceeds to film a group of five women, and two men. Did not discriminate.)
- Don't bring your suitcase full of mixtapes to the bar. We've all seen Mr. Robot by now. We know you're a secret hacker spy for the Chinese government.
It doesn't take that much to be a nice person.
Let me re-phrase that.
It doesn't take a lot of effort for YOU to be a nice person. I'm going to be a nice person regardless. You only need to get on my level of what being nice is.
