Standing Outside a Broken Bar Window with a Note 5 in My Hand
One of the hardest parts of writing is how to start. Often, I know how something is going to end and the strings that lead their way back to the beginning. My best ‘starts’ of articles are usually re-purposed later in the story, or omitted entirely.
The same goes for this story. I took so many notes that I didn’t know where to start. I couldn’t prioritize one thought of the 30. And there are some straight-up bangers. But nothing that sticks out as a standalone entry. And that’s covering the time when somebody broke our door (again), and I tied a fake to a balloon.
So rather than chopping up dozens of mini memories, I’m going to share my in-the-moment notes. It may disappoint some of you that I do not, in fact, have a photographic memory. I just take important notes while being dreadfully cold and sober.
While I make no apologies for my handwriting, I will provide some details on a handful* of the notes. Enjoy!
Girl of 555: I sent this ID into space (See video on Facebook Page). I tied it to a balloon and let it go. And not one of his friends said a word. He said, “I guess that’s gonna fly away now?” And then he walked off.
Specs and Sunshine had the idea and the balloon. I was merely the final piece of the puzzle.
Two of the girls with him decided to come back, but I didn't really have it. Yes, they were over 21, but they knew his pants were on fire. One of the girls claimed she was just trying to go inside to use the bathroom, and I had no right not to let her in because she was of age. She asked me for the law, so I stated the correct subsections to her. “Quote it word for word,” she said. The audacity this woman, who previously reported how she has no intention of buying anything in a bar she attempted to enter aiding a person trying to commit fraud, was mind-blowing.
Jonaconda: Great story. You had to be there. Not sexual.
558: Asking someone how old they are is never getting old. But I thought it never got old because they would say something wrong, or miss the math. I never, in my wildest dreams, thought somebody would just tell me, “I don’t know.” You don’t even want to submit a guess? She started saying the month, day and year, and still couldn’t come up with a ballpark figure.
551-2: Half of a basketball team came up, two with California IDs and two with bad Iowas. It’s easy for me to say that I’m good at spotting fakes, but I do have fortes. And Iowa is one of them. All the players are 6-foot-4 to 6-7 and about 185 pounds soaking wet. Naturally, as they walk away one of the 6-6ers turns and starts yelling at me about how he’s 6-6, and he’s going to kick my Wisconsin ass. Funny, he didn’t do this while he was right next to me.
Morally Trash: The wife was already inside the bar, but the husband and several friends were in line. The husband walks up, flashes his wedding ring, and expects to walk past. That’s a hard pass. There are lots of people’s wives in there, I say. Why is yours so special? His friend offers me $40 to skip the line, and before I even accept or decline, the husband says, “I think you’re morally trash.”
Wow? Me? For what, maybe receiving your friend's money, which was already out? I told him he couldn’t enter and the best apology his friends could muster was that he’s only like that without his wife.
Your defense is that your sober personality is a generally shitty human being who insults working class people in 12-degree weather and the only way to calm you down is the Scarlett Johansson lullaby from Avengers: Age of Ultron? Sun got real low on him real fast.
Canadian Hatin’: A supposed Canadian (with an American driver’s license) said we kicked him out for the following reasons.
The bar hated Canadians, and Americans wanted to fight him. He was merely defending himself.
He was protecting the honor of a woman. No woman was near him at the bar.
He got punched in the head 5 times.
He was a professional MMA Boxer. And yet he allowed himself to get punched 5 times.
He repeatedly attempted to ask what would happen if he were to sneak inside. He kept asking if it would hurt. I told him it would.
Passport Persuasion: I love asking people using IDs without middle names about middle names. Not having a middle name isn’t a bad thing. It’s quite popular in Asian and Slavic households, as well as Lee Child novels. So when someone responds with the same name as their first name, it’s going to be remarkable. John Johnson, Patrick Patterson, Robbie Roberts. All acceptable. But adding your first name, and then doubling down? Why not make one up? It literally could not be worse than not knowing. Her best response was, “It’s a family name.”
So in her family, her middle name, which is the same as her first name, is the family name.
And just to clear things up here, she was using a friend’s passport and forgot what her friend’s name was. Not her middle name, because she doesn’t have one, but her first name, which she got wrong and tried to pass off as her middle name.
This one nearly broke me.
Drunk and Orderly: Peanut asked a guy if he needed a ride from one of his friends. His response, “I don’t have any friends.” Touche.
*Broken window story is intentionally omitted based on whatever happens with the police inquiry. Which, based off last time, will amount to jack shit despite video evidence. But, better legally safe than sorry.
