The Darwin Awards
You ever notice how people have a natural way of eliminating themselves out of existence? The Darwin Awards are chronicles of people dying because of something so unimaginably stupid. The reasonable person would never find themselves in these precarious and fatal situations.
I thought I was going to see four stellar candidates last weekend.
Nominee No 1: H.E. Double Hot Dog Sticks
When you walk up to the bar already drunk after slamming too many 20-plus-ounce mega beers at the hockey game, don’t make the case that you’re fine. Wearing a hockey sweater doesn’t make you tough like the players, or have the same beer-drinking stomach. Speaking of stomachs, he wanted to know where he could get food.
I told him there was a hot dog stand across the street.
And so he started walking.
Diagonally. Across the street. And through oncoming traffic from one of the busiest 4-way stops in the city. He bought three hot dogs and started to walk back. Diagonally. Across the street. And through oncoming traffic from one of the busiest 4-way stops in the city.
It sounds like something out of a movie. The guy who Froggers his way across traffic or the car that misses the pedestrians during a high-speed chase. I hope he doesn’t try to make a sequel.
Nominee Nos. 2 & 3: The Banger Sisters
This duo nearly wiped out the family bloodline because they didn’t have an umbrella. Women at the bar, I tell ya. It’s raining when you get out of the Uber, then you walk outside in disgust “OMG it’s raining!” Granted, men do this, too, but they find a makeshift umbrella out of a jacket or just rough it. Some women, however, like to use their clutch, the tiniest purse in the world, or Cornholio themselves with their shirtbacks.
What they never, ever do, is put a plastic bag over their heads.
Like a plastic shopping bag.
From a grocery store.
For food and stuff.
Over their heads.
Over their nose holes.
Over their mouths.
All the way past the chin.
If they weren’t regulars …
Nominee No. 4: Death Juice 2000
Now, I’m no doctor or vape enthusiast, but I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to just drink the juice, right? I feel like this one doesn’t need too much exposition. He was drinking the juice from the bottle. Then he vaped, blew the smoke into his tall Bud Light, then drank that, too.
Hipsters: Can’t even do drugs like normal people.
No. 472: Soory
Minnesota IDs aren’t too difficult to tell real or fake. Fake MNs tend to be crisp, bright and clear, while real ones are flimsy, dirty and a little discolored.
This ID was real, but the man on it was too short and claimed he had contacts which is why his eyes were a different color.
I need to explain a little better. At first he claimed he was wearing blue contacts to hide his brown eyes. Then he claimed he was wearing blue contacts now, but brown contacts in the ID to hide hide his blue eyes, the real color of his eyes.
So, he’s wearing, at all times, two pairs of eye-coloring contacts.
No 473: Blue-Eyed Bandit
Think the previous, but a girl.
No. 474: O’ Brother, Where Art Thou?
“How old are you?”
“27. 26. No, I just turned 23.”
Several minutes later he comes back.
“Hey, I just want to say good job. That’s the second time you got me.”
“God, you’re some kind of stupid aren’t you?”
No. 475: Smile, You’re on (CC) TV
Indiana. Smiling. Teeth. Nuff said.
No. 476 & 477: Stupid is as Stupid Does
Hint, and I’m probably repeating myself here, if your friend or sister just got her ID confiscated, just go away. Now, I thoroughly enjoy writing these stories, but these people are going to lead the future one day. I want them to be at least functionally stupid instead of just plain ol’ stupid.
No. 478: Next Week
I don’t have enough time to to describe the levels of creative dickishness No. 478 displayed. He'll get his own special edition.
I’m off on a mini vacation this weekend so the next big ID data dump won’t be for a while.
