Can Collections
As some of you who are customers to my bar may have noticed, I did not work on St. Paddy's Day weekend. I'm sure all of you were deeply saddened. Inconsolable, even.
Armed with only a shortened Wednesday and Thursday shift to work from, not much happened last week to draw upon. I thought best to use this week's Canecdotes update for a collection of a few oddities and general moments.
"What's the craziest thing you've ever seen?" is the question I am asked most behind "How tall are you?" and "Do you play basketball?" The craziest thing I've ever seen is the woman in the white dress. Betty (white) was in town with her husband.
Both were in their fifties and Betty was working on hemming her fourth sheet to the wind when she got the urge to ... adjust her dress. We have bathrooms at the my bar, three stalls in the women's and two urinals and a stall in the men's room. Betty did not use these options.
As it was the end of summer, we did have our gate up, with 12 guests sitting at tables and enjoying the gentle breeze. We also had the garage door open to air out the main bar, with several guests playing darts. Before I go on, I should say Betty was a looker, easily in the "trophy wife" category.
Whether it was a spin class or CrossFit or triathlons, clearly she took care of herself. And yet, wisdom and maturity were thrown out the window when the urge to walk right to the middle of the patio, lift the white dress up over the belly button, remove the itchy underwear over neon pink 'Showgirls' heels, put the dress back down and put said underwear into her purse, in front of 15 or so stunned and bewildered youngins celebrating a birthday party.
Last week I wrote about full moons. This also applies. Not overly sensational. Not a fight or a heated argument. No cops. Quicker than a cell phone could capture. But when anyone over the age of 50 acts more childish than our 21st-birthday revelers, you're going to remember them when they get crazy as all get-out.
Please stop trying to intimidate us at the door. What good will that do, get you kicked out faster? Don't threaten one of us, then take it back when the bigger one comes up to you asking to reaffirm said threat. I don't get offended by insults, but some customers do. So please just be nice. Or long staredowns.
I have an intense apathy to your "drama." Most of the time I literally can't hear you when you're talking because my head is closer to the speakers than to your word babbler. Also, watch Roadhouse. A very enjoyable Patrick Swayze movie.
I look like Gru from Despicable Me. The first to make the comparison was my brother.
If you ask me to play my favorite song on the jukebox I'll always say songs that last more than seven minutes. Guns N' Roses' November Rain, Meatloaf's Bat out of Hell, Pink Floyd's Time, and The Mariner's Revenge Song by The Decemberists are my standbys.
Songs I never want to hear again: Ginuwine's Pony, anything by the Chainsmokers, Black Beatles, Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas is You, Don't Stop Believing. They can stop believing now.
No, you do not have to pay to get in, but more importantly, when coming back to the bar, stop showing me your wrist. Most often there's nothing stamped on it. We don't stamp or do wristbands so why are you showing me? You just went out to smoke and I didn't touch you. Stop being stupid.
I tried out for the basketball team my senior year in high school. It did not go well. I am 6-foot-8 and 1/8, have dunked in the past, but that's about it. In fact, I only dunked when I weighed over 300 pounds and played football, the better sport, for the Drake University Bulldogs.
I think it's also a bit misleading when only tall people can play one sport. Every basketball team needs a point guard. NBA average height of a PG is 6-3. Shooting guard is maybe 6-5.
There are many tall tennis players but if any sport is dominated by tall players it's volleyball, not basketball. I'm tall, bald but have been compared to Phil Dalhausser once. That's a shame. He may only be like 200 pounds but it's OK to flatter the door guy once in a while.
