All J-Dogs Go to Heaven
There was a period last Friday night where I stopped and wondered about the next few years.
And I couldn't come up with anything other than what I've been dealing. I couldn't think beyond the bar. The day job. The night job and the blog.
And then I felt this melancholy feeling
All over myself.
For five uninterrupted minutes.
And ... I didn't know what to do but look up YouTube videos.
Now, I don't bring my headphones with me on bar shifts and that night was no exception.
Cycling through videos I came across this video of Later ... With Jools Holland's Hootenanny.
I used to watch Jools Holland all throughout college. Five or six bands for an hour every week, Jools gave me insight into half of my CD collection. So, of course, I click the first video of the search for "jools holland 2018."
And lo and behold it's George McRae's "Rock Your Baby."
Which I bought and downloaded in 2006 and put on a CD titled "On the Road to Drake."
It's six minutes of pure bliss. The perfect song of the 1970s.
The perfect song for that moment. And every moment afterward.
The voice. The brass. The audience.
Everything is on point.
And suddenly I feel better than melancholy.
I went to Drake University in the fall of 2006 after only seeing the campus one time -- after I was accepted. The first person I met on campus was Billy Cundiff, who at the time was one of two training camp kickers for the Green Bay Packers, my favorite team.
George McCrae, along with Gnarls Barkley, Collective Soul, KC and the Sunshine Band, Dave Matthews Band, and others helped me in more ways than I could think. These artists wrote songs before I was born that shaped my lifestyle when I was 17, 18 and beyond.
And are still putting out videos and records today that affect me in more ways than one on Friday nights.
When I hear that perfect song, suddenly I'm unbeatable. And everyone needs to watch out.
Fake No. 356: Young Guns
"Hey, he looks like he's 12!" shouted a bystander walking past the bar.
Well, he certainly wasn't 21. Thanks for the assist random stranger.
"What's up, Boss. Just waiting for my mom."
Fake No. 357: The Ritz Charlatan
Not many people are so brazen at their attempt at using a fake that they don't even match the height of their friend's ID despite wearing 5-inch heels. The girl then said she'd pay $100 to get her ID back.
I have to be honest. We're not the expensive bar on the strip. We're the bar offering cheap drinks with no cover. One hundred dollars won't get you fucked up. It'll get you dead. Your friends dead. And the neighbors dead. Spare me your $100 because I know you already don't have it.
Fake No. 358: A Little Tip-sy
I caught a fake Ohio, and the guy said "thanks, dude," and walked away. An older guy then asked why the guy walked away. When I told him it was a fake, he gave me $10.
Fake. No. 359: Mickey Blue Eyes
Fake New Yorks are hard to come by east of the Donna Dixon Line. First off, old New Yorks should be worn down messes of plastic, eroded by years of pizza stains, metro gasses, and liquor fingers. Don't know what liquor fingers are? Neither do I.
This woman supposedly got her ID on her 18th birthday in 2012 in Brooklyn, New York. It was in pristine condition. Uh huh. Yeah. There's no way you're 18 in Brooklyn and not getting puke on your ID within two hours of receiving it from the DMV.
Fake No. 360: Party Bus Pass Off
Words to the wise, if you're passing off your ID to a guest on the same party bus, try not to be 4 feet away from said person. I can see you. You're not fooling anyone.
J-Dog Finally Sees One
It's been months since the impressionable J-Dog, our barback, wanted to see a fake ID taken.
I thought it might have happened a few weeks ago, but the subject's friends proved me wrong with his college lacrosse player bio. (That same person also pissed his pants in front of me, so he was never let inside)
But No. 361 was special. It was a smiling Indiana. A sure-fire fake. I felt so happy for J-Dog that I turned, a smile beaming across my face, and high-fived him!
Dreams do come true!
Fake No. 362: Back-to-Back Jack
Not one, but two! J-Dog saw me take TWO fakes right in front of him when a girl five people back also tried to bring a friend's ID to the bar. What serendipity.
Fake No. 363: Year of the Dragon
Everyone on Game of Thrones aside from The Mountain, The Hound and Brienne of Tarth is short. Actors need proper framing between men and women and tall people fuck that right up. My favorite show is 24, and Keifer Sutherland is like 5-foot-8. Kim Raver, his love interest in season 5, (aka the best season of any show in TV history) is also 5-8. They're a perfect match.
In other words, I know when people are lying about heights. Just because you say you're 6 feet tall, doesn't mean you being 6-5, and being near eye-to-eye with me, is going to help your cause.
Fake. No. 364: Another Tall Boy
2018 minus 1994 equals 24 -- unless you're born after the current day and month. Then you are 23.
If you can't get how old you are correct, it won't matter how tall you are.
300!
Three Hundred Fake IDs since starting my first Canecdote last March!
It's been a whirlwind! Thank you all so much for following this site and these stories. While the 300th wasn't anything special, I cannot thank you enough for supporting me.
Thirty-five to go for 400.
