Last weekend was one for the books. 

Here's a quick rundown of the four IDs because we need to get to the sheer amount of batshitery that took place.

426 & 427: Accompanied Minors

I was having some trouble telling if the first kid's ID was fake, but ultimately I gave it back to him. The second kid, on the other hand, was very fake. An old Illinois that would've put the 18 or 19-year-old at 25. And then the third. THE THIRD!

The third kid wasn't going to walk away empty-handed. Because he offered to shake mine after I confiscated it.

"That's fair," he said. Then he went for the handshake I couldn't refuse. 

Why can't they all be this nice?

428: Wyawning

This was so fake it was boring. Again, if a state is so small that wild animals outnumber people in their biggest cities (I'm assuming), then it's probably fake. 

429: I-OH-A

I already had the ID when the girl asked how she was going to get it back because she was from Iowa. I told her to go back to Iowa and buy a better fake ID.

Plus I've lived in Iowa. Why are you trying so hard?

Nobody stayed long enough for me to get a good report together but OH MY SHIT did things happen in rapid succession. We're talking something out-crazying the other after 5 or 10 minutes. So this week I'm deciding to tease out what headlines you could be reading, had people stayed just one drink longer. I have to note that some of these things are what people actually said. *Anything racial is purely inferred from their point of view.

The Dusty Cowboy & His 3 Black Hookers

"I'm Too Mexican?"

Boss Hogg Gets Roasted

Fence Jumper Grindr Humper

The White Claw Corner Trio

Hold My Teeth

The Simple Life 2: Paris Hilton & Chief Keef 

Vagabond, James Vagabond

A Tale of Two Shitties

Sobriety Walk Money Drop

Long Hair Do Care

Fastest Pants Pisser in the West

Plastic Penises & Voided Dreams

I was also bequeathed a new nickname last weekend - 7-ft Bald. And I think it rolls off the tongue quite nicely. Let's hope people stay a bit longer and we can flesh out next week's stories.