Years after dealing with random workouts at a gym I chose mostly for convenience and not any kind of coherent workout routine or plan, I’ve decided to go back to basics.

January 2020 basics.

I’m ending my gym membership in order to get healthier. Oh, the irony.

There’s nothing inherently wrong about the gym, I just wasn’t going. After my trip I went to the gym twice in the last two months. Sure, I am ridiculously busy. But I also made myself busy. “Too busy for the gym,” is probably the worst excuse for not going to the gym, but it’s mine.

The price paid for the membership? I’m going to harken back to what my best college friend said when he was skipping leg days for breast, thigh and leg days (if you know what I mean). He called it his “fat tax.”

Five years, one wife, and one child later and he’s doing quite well. Those are very important factors driving you toward a healthy lifestyle I have not quite found yet. Good God, not for a lack of trying, though.

I digress.

In January 2020 I started down a fitness path I though was going to take me on a good, healthy journey through the rest of the year. I got through April.

Even with COVID bogging everything down, I completed a 100 Squat/day January, a 100 Pushup/day February, a 300 Jumping Jack/day March, and an April Ab circuit that helped up until I threw my back out in May.

By August I felt exhausted and stopped writing on this page altogether. Turns out, that was entirely due to OG COVID. In the two years since, I climbed back on the scale to a degree not seen since my New Orleans visit. This time, however, I was working out A LOT more.

I was pushing and pulling around the same weight than I did in high school and college. I eclipsed the 1,200lb bench/squat/deadlift combo. Racked up over 1,400 on the leg press, and even did pull-ups. Plural. At over 300 pounds!

The sled became my favorite cardio/strength workout. I felt I was getting back to some roots 15 years years prior. And I felt pretty good.

And then it dawned on me after my vacation.

I really don’t want to be this big anymore, especially if “bouncing” is not in my job title come 2023 and beyond. Don’t get me wrong, being an absolute unit is awesome. I love working concert security and still intend to do as long as I possibly can.

But being a dive bar door guy is not a long-term goal. Six years is a long time to be around some of the worst acting college kids around. Some turn out to be nice individuals who can be positive additions to society. But more are straight up garbage people. (If you’re reading this, you’re not one of them. I love all of my readers.)

What’s one thing a non-bouncer doesn’t have to be? HUGE.

Admittedly, at just over 6-foot-8, I don’t appear to have an out-of-control weight issue. It’s not that. I alternate between an XL, XLT, or 2X every day. My pants and shorts fit the same as before.

When I graduated from college, I weighed 240, mostly attributed to being poor. Throughout my career as a journalist, I hovered around 260. By all accounts, a pretty good weight for someone my height and age (mid-20s).

After that career path ended I took more sedentary jobs in call centers and backrooms. Pair that with a bit of unemployment and the weight stacks a little faster. By the time my family and I went to Spain, I was 10 months into my bar lifestyle and approaching pre-college lineman weight. After the Spain trip, fucking hell.

I thought I’d be walking around every day in the hot sun, dropping pounds left and right.

Yeah, dropping them right into my mouth.

Between the bread, oil, jamon, olives, beef cheek and paella, I added 12 pounds I still haven’t taken off 5 years later. The next year I treated myself for my 30th birthday. I almost ate the entirety of New Orleans. There’s more than one Cafe du Monde. Didn’t know that going in. I had beignets and hot cocoa at each — the river, the quarter, and the park. I ate drunk po’ boys at 3 am. All the drinks on Bourbon Street have sugar in them.

ALL OF THEM.

My last meal consisted of six crabs, shrimp etouffee, potatoes, bread, corn, Key Lime pie, and a goblet of beer.

A GOBLET.

A week later I was back home and took a new driver’s license photo. Woof.

I shed a little bit in 2019 by just being more active with my family. And then in 2020 I had already come quite a way before starting the series of health challenges above.

Now I’m back full circle because it’s time to think about the rest of my life beyond collecting the extra-late/extra-early nightlife.

So, starting in September I’ll be doing 100 squats and 100 pushups every day, just to get back into the habit. I’m not going to start another gym membership anytime soon. I barely fit on a treadmill and I’m not looking to pack on any more pounds, fat, muscle, or otherwise.

I’ll report on what happens in a month.