The Three Unwise Men
There’s nothing quite like the feeling you’re solely responsible for breaking up a relationship without speaking to either person in that relationship.
The White Claw Conundrum
Three dudes were loitering outside the bar last Friday night. Friday the 13th. Spooky.
It was fairly early in the evening, say 9:30 p.m., and the hope is that things will pick up. After three straight shifts of no IDs and no lines, something needed to happen to save our sanity.
Those poor dudes fit the bill to a T.
A woman was spending her 21st birthday in the bar. Cute pixie of a girl in a bedazzled pink mini dress — or it could’ve been a normal dress and she was just small — heels and platinum blonde hair. She wanted to stay and get another round before heading to the next bar on her journey to adulting.
Glaring concern. Her boyfriend wanted to go to the next bar. After all, his friends were waiting outside, ready to walk a few hundred yards to the next hot spot.
Manic Pixie Birthday Girl went outside to coax the guys inside, to little avail. A few minutes later, the boyfriend hopped out just as the guys, Dudes 1 and 2, were inching closer to the curb. A short discussion happened and two of the three turned toward the bar door. A decision was made. Not everyone was on board.
The farthest dude, Dude 3, had a bag in hand. In the bag was one White Claw. In his hand was the other of the two White Claws. He was about to crack it.
“What if I finish this before I come in?”
“But … you haven’t opened it yet.”
“So, I can finish it?”
No. If you drink it outside, you can’t come in. And to boot, the beer can’t come inside because we sell beer. This is not some fancy dining establishment with a corkage fee. There are a handful of options at your disposal.
Keep the Claws and go drink them in the safety of your own home
Drink the Claws and get dismissed, and go to the next bar
Hide the Claws someplace outside, then come in
Forfeit the Claws to the bar for entry, knowing you’re not getting them back
Upon hearing all of the available options, Dude 3 chose No. 4. It’s my favorite option because it makes the least amount of sense to a reasonable person.
What made No. 4 even better was what happened to Dudes 1 and 2.
Dude 1 had a fake Colorado ID and Dude 2 was using his brother’s who lives in San Diego.
Now, not only do I have the IDs, but I also have the White Claws, and because everyone handed things over willingly, they get neither the IDs nor the White Claws back.
No. 4, the most idiotic, and therefore best, option.
Back to the MPBG and her boyfriend.
Dude 2 tried to offer me $50 Venmo for both IDs. Their night was long from over at 9:36 p.m. and it wasn’t going to end because of some birthday girl not getting her way.
MPBG took offense to this. She got into it with Dude 3, and when her boyfriend tried to step in, she got angry with him, too.
At this point I can only surmise what happened from a distance, as the birthday girl and her soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend took cover underneath an awning down the block to work things out. Hint: it’s not going well.
On Friday the 13th.
In 25-degree weather.
None of them are wearing a jacket.
Ten minutes later the bar starts getting full. The Dudes get going down the road while the entire birthday girl’s party is still inside the bar sans MPBD and her boyfriend, who are now shiver talking to each other in the cold.
Admittedly, I got distracted due to the line finally showing up after three weekends, but I did manage to get a glimpse of the birthday party leaving.
The boyfriend was nowhere to be found.
I’m not drinking this month, but had I cracked one of those Claws myself, well, I don’t think there’s a word to describe how I felt in that moment other than bliss.
To have complete control over two people’s lives and not interact with them in any direct way. I didn’t check their IDs, either. They were already in the bar. I never uttered one word to the MPBG or her boyfriend.
Ah, love. Such a fickle thing.
But it was all lost an hour later when a man wanted to fight me over his girlfriend’s fake ID. The girl later admitted to only knowing him a week and not wanting to be near him.
They left together.
Such lives these people have.