Wow, it’s like I never left.

But I did leave, and I made a pretty big stink about it. Even gave myself a retirement party. Well, planned a retirement party. Due to some unfortunate and unforeseen circumstances, I have to return to the bar once in a while until something more permanent comes back.

So, in my sulking, you get a few more bars stories, because you guessed it, people were still being dumb in public.

ID No. 1,029

I almost felt sorry for her. Like, what are the odds that the first fake I find was of an ID from my hometown? The last ID was a kid with the same first name, and now her? It’s not just bad luck for her and good fortune for me, it’s got a cosmic twang to it.

Like, there should be an incredibly long German word for double-sided luck after time spent away from one’s job.

Anyway, the girl with the Milwaukee address didn’t seem too fazed by it. It just leaves me at an awkward number. One away from 1,030, but now that I’m sort or working again, I don’t wan to be stuck in a weird limbo. Nobody wants almost the next set of digits. You want to be on an even plane, or right in the middle.

You want to win $50, not $49. You’d be OK with $45. If someone walked up to you and gave you $49, you’d ask why not $50. Same with IDs. I don’t like this 1,029 business.

I’ll just have to get more.

Victoria’s Secret (Is That She’s Dumb)

A young woman in a bright red bustier was kicked out at 1:35 am for yelling at a man who walked into the bar not five minutes before. Wow, I thought, she’s angry, what did this guy do?

He … goes to other places.

That’s it.

Let’s go back three weeks.

Victoria is 21 years old. She’s just starting to enjoy the nightlife with her friends at Bar S. Bar S is small and offers little to no actual privacy. You can see all the people on all the seats from every corner of the narrow hall. Victoria has a few friends and she spots a man ordering drinks for a few people. He notices her, she notices him.

Sparks aren’t flying, they’re just people who notice each other in a bar.

One week passes.

Victoria and her friends go back to Bar S, and the man arrives a short time later. Victoria realizes he’s the man from last week. The man also sees this and offers to buy Victoria and her friends a round.

The man is in his mid-30s and bar hops on the weekends. He is often with a woman, though I can’t remember if it’s the same woman.

Victoria and her friends accept the drinks and everyone talks for a while. The night ends.

Victoria heads back to Bar S the next night. The man is also there. Victoria is now unnerved. She walks up to the man and asks if he’s following her.

The man replies that he’s not, he just happens to frequent that bar, and many others. Because he’s a grown man in his 30s.

Victoria asks him to leave.

The 21-year old new drinker asks a man who was already at Bar S to leave.

Cut to last night. It’s 1:29 and the man (with a girlfriend in tow) arrive and narrowly miss the last call cutoff. While he’s at the bar, Victoria notices his and rushes toward, screaming and causing a scene.

Cue Marinara and the ejection.

She’s pretty irate but wants to fill me in on all the details. That’s what was above. She said it’s her first time at Bar T, so obviously the man was stalking her, like any man would do to someone like her. (read: a 21-year old dressed in lingerie when it’s 35 degrees outside.)

After explaining that, while the timing may ring an alarm to her, the man often comes to the bar between 1 and 2 am and has done so repeatedly for approximately 6 years. She was aghast. How dare I not believe a 21-year old who doesn’t own a jacket. A boyfriend or GBF walked up and handed her his coat, reiterating that the man was following them. I replied, “following you tonight, or you just went to the same bars in a 3-week span? Because if that’s the case, I’m stalking dozens of men and women as we speak.”

It would be one thing if Victoria kept seeing the man at every bar she went to, whenever she went out. That would be alarming. But what really happened was a new legal drinker discovered what “regulars” are, and that people can enjoy different spaces at socially common enjoyment times.

Yep. Now I feel like I’m back.