New Year. New Blog Post. Same Old Blogger.

You may have noticed my absence over the last few weeks. Well, not much was going on.

That’s a lie, but not much was going on that I wanted to write about at the time. And I still don’t wish to embark on huge diatribes on a lot of it.

So here’s what went down since our last big fight night, but everything is in the form of a Variety slanguage headline with a little bit of context.

If you’re unfamiliar with slanguage, it’s like trying to convey everything in one succinct line while also sounding like you’ve gone batshit insane. It was very popular in the 1920s and 30s.

Cops Stop Jib-Jabbing Coke Joker

Cocaine is nothing new. That’s right. It’s nothing new. Stop doing it. What does a bargoer in 2019 need from a drug that made Wall Street schmoozers burn out in the 1980s? Is my bar the new hotbed for insider trading?

Dude Wouldn’t Abide Sailor Riding High Tide

Never ever give your real military ID to someone else. You’ll be doing PT for three generations. The guy thought he had it made using his brother’s card, but now his brother’s in deeper than the wrong Lebowski.

Main Maine Man Mad About Burlington, Vermont

I waited for so long to hear someone call the cops and tattle on themselves, but this was beyond everything I was hoping for. “Yeah, I’m outside (THE BAR) and they took my Fake ID for NO REASON!”

Pee Pee Leaves Deputy In Big Doo Doo

A wannabe member of the protect and serve community dropped more than trou in the bathroom stall. Let’s just say her phone would need more than a bowl of rice to make it dry and clean the next morning. Also, after we fished it out, she grabbed it and put it on her face. We didn’t have time to wipe it down.

Elf Off Shelf Onto Floor Before Door

I accidentally tackled a man wearing an Elf costume. I thought I broke his ribs but instead he sprang up and demanded I apologize to him. Not for the tackle, but for stopping him in his attempt to choke out another customer. Did I mention he was dressed like Will Ferrell in Elf? I was basically Ol’ Beef & Cheese Artie Lange for five solid minutes.

The moral of the story is, don’t do drugs.

But if you do drugs, don’t get caught.

But if you do get caught, stop talking.

But if you can’t stop talking, have the decency to wait for someone to film it, because that shit is hilarious.