This is a special bonus edition of Big Bad Jon's bouncer anthology because I didn't want to ramble on for 3,000 words on a Monday night.

On Monday I described a situation where a mother celebrating her daughter's 21st birthday wanted to let her son into the bar despite him having a fake ID. There is no way the mother could not have known this was the case. She knows how old her son is and the forged ID was glaringly obvious. Which leads me to this post. OPSEC. 

Commonly referred to as Operations Security by our armed forces, OPSEC within the online fake ID market has a different meaning. In essence, it means you shouldn't be able to gain any knowledge of my face, age, address, etc. because the activities are illegal. And while I understand that making, selling and buying forged IDs are just as, if not more, illegal than identity theft, only one practice gets someone banned from these sites.

Hint: it's not the vendors. It's the buyers.

Every review must go hand-in-hand with certain aspects of OPSEC. Every photo on this website not of myself now prescribes to this practice. Black bars cover lines of important data, barcodes and dates. Filled-in red or black circles cover faces, leaving little to review to the untrained eye.

But I am trained. Self-trained, mind you. But trained nonetheless.

My professional career has led me to many different jobs and paths but most have them have relied on my keen eye for detail. I spent four years writing news and sports, often hitting the save button before an editor has the time or purview to read an article. Which meant I had to write articles, edit, publish, then proof on the front end between six to 20 times a night. If I had time, I would read the river and spot inaccuracies. There were many.  

One mistake, whether it one unlicensed photo or falsehood made in jest can mean an actionable lawsuit. I took it upon myself to stop that from happening.

So looking at an ID is much lighter fare. Sometimes.

On average, I take 5-10 seconds looking at each ID. The time decreases as the obvious age increases as each person steps to the front of the line. If you look like you watched American Bandstand from the in-studio audience, you're probably safe to enter. Anyone under baby boomer is then fair game.

I take a peek at what the crowd is doing. How they talk, what they're talking about, are they already drinking, have they had too much, can they stand upright and unassisted, how many are in their group and, of course, what they look like and how tall they are. Are they wearing shoes, if so what kind? Flats, tennis, heels, wedges, cowboy boots, galoshes, wing tips, sandals, flip flops, standard issues, the list goes on. All of that takes place in the few seconds I'm looking at the corner of my eye before I look at their ID. This process takes about three seconds.

The next two seconds covers the picture, followed by the height, eye color, birth year and eyebrows. I love me some eyebrows. I've probably confiscated a dozen IDs based off wrong eyebrows alone. I double check the picture with what I remember from the line and then their face. If it all checks out they are on their way inside my bar.

Well, Jon, what happens if it doesn't check out?

We start with eye color. Browns are always brown and never hazel. Blues are always blue and never brown or hazel. Green eyes might be hazel. Gray eyes exist, but might be both green and blue. A multicolored pair of eyes is possible, but I've only seen one set and it was easy for them to prove real.

Eyebrows can change shape with a razor or clippers and vast amounts of time. But they cannot change naturally in the three or four years since the last DMV photo. 

Men lie about their height all the time. A man standing 5-foot-10, like my father, will say he's 5-11 or even 6-0. Women often go for enough inches to get them beyond 5 feet, with many insisting 5-3 or 5-4 when the answer is much closer to 5-1 of 5 feet, or lower.

I can see the top of someone's head standing at 6-3, but not 6-4. A woman 5-5, like my mother, levels off near my chest, wearing flat shoes, of course.

I pay no attention to the hair on someone's scalp. I am bald, but my ID is not. But guess what, my eyebrows are the same. 

All of this plays into my memory in the background for every ID, real or fake, that comes my way. Almost all of the details OPSEC fails to account for.

The final five I confiscated two weeks ago to hit my century mark would have all passed the test with flying colors. Because the ID was fake. Not misused as about half are, but legitimately delegitimate. What does this mean? Well, for starters, a fake ID is set up to be a carbon copy of that person. It's their face, their height, their weight, their eye color, their eyebrows. Most often their fake contains their real signature, although at varying thicknesses. Fake IDs contain the same birthday nine times out of 10 and will pass a scanning test. Technology is grand.

At this point, I finally ask my questions.

The address is a big one. Followed by birthday, in full. One slip of nineteen-ninety si...five will do just fine. Or a forgotten house number. Or not knowing how close your city, which you've presumably spent most of your life around, is to the nearest metro area. Or what county, or what time zone. Or your baseball team. ZIP code. Signature.

If all else fails, and sometimes it might, check the card itself. Most of my bar's confiscated forgeries are made from PVC. They are thick, weigh more than most newer printings and always comes with one major flaw. The person who bought it isn't 21 years old.

Its secondary flaws might be more severe. Bad UV printing which leads to alien-like mugshots or disappearing ink.

If it bends and the sticker peels. It's likely a fake. Peel it off and call it a night for that minor.

But what happens when you get an ID not often forged, not because of the felonious penalty, which can be steep, but because of the overall difficulty in recreating the process?

You do research and plan and help each other out.

This is a fake Michigan Over 21 ID (MI O21). This ID was made by Reddit user ID_Lucy and it's pretty good. But there are a few secondary flaws to this MI O21.

"Michigan" on the top bar has more of a purple hue. The signature is too thick at the bottom. The holograms on the front are fading near the main photo, and almost nonexistent near the donor label. The MICH perforations are nearly on point, as is the font and feel of the ID.

I caught the MI O21 because of the bridge. Not the picture. Not the birthday, although it was the main trigger. Not the alien-like UV, which I only found out about after she left.

The bridge.

I shouldn't be able to see the blurred microprint on the bridge's undercarriage.

That's it. 

Sometime's that thin, blurred line will be close enough to the bouncer to put his or her bar in permament disrepute. The ID above cost this girl $160, found out when she admitted as much to her friend - who also misused an ID - next to a busser grabbing a quick smoke before his shift.

I knew what to look for because I enjoy these jobs more than I thought I would many months ago. Now I do research in my spare time. Compare, contrast. Take notes. Why?

I love protecting my venues.

And I want everyone to know it. I will stand outside in the pouring rain, freezing cold, summer heat and fall winds to keep my friends safe from all those who seek to harm our livelihoods and reputations.

And because I'm good at it, this girl got caught out in the rain with nowehere to go but home. I hope she thinks of better ways to spend $160 than to send some faceless username on the Internet all of her vital information.

OPSEC. Operations Security. It can mean two different things.