A few Mondays ago I was playing shuffleboard with Sunshine and Specs while another group was having the classic debate of whether or not a hot dog is a sandwich. I, of course, knowing the real answer, interjected with “it’s a taco.” Because a hot dog is a taco.

Sunshine backed me up on this and I think I convinced Specs, but the group was dubious of my claim. Let’s break it down, shall we?

1. What is a taco?

   • According to Jim Gaffigan, all Mexican food boils down to tortillas with cheese, meat or vegetables. A taco, then, by definition, is a tortilla with cheese, meat or vegetables.

2. What is a hot dog?

   • A hot dog is a frankfurter typically made from beef, pork, or turkey in a soft bun.

A taco is a tortilla filled with cheese, meat or vegetables. Hot dogs can be veggie dogs or made from meat in a bun. Tacos can have beans and cheese. Chili dogs can have beans and cheese.

Tortillas are flatbreads made from flour. Soft rolls are breads that can be made from different types of flour.

You have to eat both the same way, from the side.

“But, Jon, tacos can be made from corn, too!”

Ever been to a state fair? Corndogs. I rest my case.

Hot dogs aren’t sandwiches. they’re tacos.

The Asshole Fee

A short bald man in his mid-forties, with two women behind him and another man in back, walked up to the bar a couple weekends ago and said,” I’m with Richard. I’m on the list.”

The bar is nearly full and we have a massive line of eager beavers waiting their turn. We also don’t know anyone named Richard. I mean, I have a friend named Richard but he lives several hundred miles away. Once upon a time I also interviewed former Houston Oilers CB Richard Johnson, but I doubt the short bald guy (SBG) knew that.

So, Richard wasn’t going to help his situation all that much.

The SBG repeated that he was on the list and proceeded to take out his phone and call someone.

Maybe it was Richard?

Not only has my bar never had a list to speak of, but nobody in the bar hierarchy is a Richard. Plus, what college bar would have a reserve list for people who graduated when the first Toy Story movie debuted?

Anyway, the group was getting impatient but still not moving. The guy in back took some gumption and handed me $40. “Does this get us on the list?” he asked.

“Sure. Just show me your IDs and we’re all good to go.”

Moneyman showed me his concealed pistol license (CPL). The two women each presented theirs. SBG, who was already beyond the gate as the team lead, didn’t have one.

I told the other three they could go inside, but SBG couldn’t. Then the Moneyman did something stupid. He haded his real ID to SBG like we wouldn’t notice.

Between me, Sunshine, Specs, Peanut, our manager and a bartender, there’s roughly 40% of the workforce witnessing this non-dynamic duo fail miserably at the pass-back. Maybe they did belong in the college bar after all?

The pass-back failing resulted in the whole group being kicked out. But Moneyman wanted his money back.

I said no.

He lowered his refund rate to $20.

I said no.

Tipping isn’t a license to commit bad behavior. Nor is it a deposit if/when you get kicked out, no matter how soon that time interval is.

Moneyman asked to see the manager (SBG and the women were already gone by then). Moneyman threatened to call the cops about his $40 which was voluntarily handed over without solicitation. I think it genuinely shocked him that something in his life wasn’t going his way. Good. He wasn’t getting his $40 back. That was his asshole fee.

After a quick verbal volley, Moneyman knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere he positioned himself to leave. Or so we thought. He took a couple steps to the main entryway, and paused.

And dropped to a squat.

A full-on, backup dancer in a T-Pain/Ying Yang Twins music video squat.

Knees to elbows.

Squatting on the bar patio and leaning back into Specs and Peanut (who hadn’t even touched him yet).

A grown man of 45 years old.

So Specs and Peanut each took a side and kicked his ass out of the bar.

Other people’s parents, man.