I'm a fairly busy person these days. I have one full-time job, two part-time jobs, a freelance writing gig and I occasionally drive Uber/Lyft to make a few extra dollars. I enjoy playing trivia and darts on Tuesday nights. My time has become increasingly spare these last three months and sometimes I lack the inspiration to write one of these posts.

And then sometimes the entire Squarespace backend is down for a few days. 

Last week was a steady mixture of all those factors but I can promise you that I've got plenty of inspiration this week. First up, a quick story from last week's fake ID captures.

Friday, May 19

Words to the wise. If you are using an ID that isn't yours, pay attention to where the city is, especially if the state is shaped like a mitten. 

When a whole party arrives at any bar celebrating someone's 21st, and that group is mostly women, it's highly likely one of them is trying to get in with a fake ID. I was able to suss out the guilty girl before the main group and the birthday girl was in the bar. 

Not to mince words, but his girl, Palmy, was indeed fair-haired and not too bright.

"Where are you from?"

"Clarkston." (The correct answer)

"And can you show me where Clarkston is. On your hand?"

This was the first time I've used this tactic. Something about this case screamed I needed more than a blind hunch this wasn't her ID, and boy did she ever prove it. 

Working as a sports reporter for many years, one of my beats was updating the recruiting paths of several high schoolers across the state of Michigan. Clarkston was one of the schools. I know where Clarkston is.

Palmy did not. She pointed smack dab in the middle. Where Lansing Is. Seventy miles off course. She tried to play it off as a mistake, so she put her finger lower. Jackson. Then once more. Ann Arbor-ish. When the ID finally made its way to my pocket she slinked off and apologized to the birthday girl. I can only hope she went home and studied an atlas.

More words to the wise from last weekend: make sure your height is relatively close, not 8 inches taller, and have the tattoos showing in your ID pic actually on your body. 

Friday, May 26

Holiday weekends are always a hodgepodge of humanity at bars. Most people are away on lakes or cottages, day drinking turns to night drinking, and good times are had miles away from home. Unless, of course, you weren't invited.

It's these people, for the most part, that fill bars on long weekends. And Friday was no different. We had out-of-towners, new 21-year-old men and women with squads who straight-up abandoned them in the bar, several bachelorette parties that devolved into screaming matches with brocoders, hockey fans, brawlers, mean muggers and even a few Juggalos, who, to their credit, were the most well-behaved of the bunch. 

And seven minors. 

Friday Fake No. 1: What's my age again?

It's always good to start a night off with an easy fake ID. This poor girl just couldn't be bothered to do the math in her head, not realizing 2017 minus 1987 must account for the exact birthday. A birthday had you actually been 29 would possibly be mistaken for 30, unless you were, say, only 19 years old. Don't try and bring an ID a whole decade older than you actually are. You can tell when someone's lived that extra 10 years. 

And what woman is so excited to say she's 30 in public? I've never met one before. 

Friday Fake No. 2: I Ran So Far Away ...

... from my car across the street to catch their fakes. After putting my sunglasses away I saw four women walk up to the gate. And boy I thought to myself "I'm going to make some money!" So I sprinted across two lanes of nonexistent traffic and got the girls just in time to spot a fake of my own, right after the other door guy got a fake of his own. A Bang-Bang play as they call it on the diamond.

Then the other two girls tried to argue themselves into the bar. How is that going to work? Literally, half of your group was caught doing something illegal.

Friday Fake No. 3: The Nose Knows

A tragic case of not looking at your fake ID. Try to at least get one where the height is within four inches and the schnozz can line up. There was no way the Cindy Lou Who in front of me was pulling off the Adrien Brody in the ID.

Interlude: Group with ID No. 1 tries to get back into the bar

"Hey, we're back."

"OK. You still can't come in."

"Com'n, man. We put her in a car."

"And?"

"What, our money isn't good enough here?"

"Well, your judgment isn't good enough, so why should your money be good enough."

It's important to shut shit down as soon as possible.

Friday Fake No. 4: The Phonetic Phaker

It was like the annual Scripps National Spelling Bee at 11 p.m. Last name, first name, address, city, etc. I had to ask every question to this woman only to have her repeat it aloud, sound it out, then proceed to spell it. Which she did. As far as spelling bees are concerned, she aced the test. Until it came to the numbers. She got "her" birthday wrong by 10 days.

Ding.

Friday Fake No. 5: Smile Time

You cannot smile in an Indiana ID post-2008. State law. Don't even argue with me. A real person in an Indiana ID should look like their house just burned down and the fire was started by their childhood best friend. If they don't look the least bit betrayed in their photo it's a fake every time.

Friday Fake No. 6: ToleNo

The sixth woman knew her Ohio ID through and through. It's a shame I asked her to use Facebook to back up her story. Her 21st birthday was a few months away. Good memory, though!

Friday Fake No. 7: Do you see what I see?

A very petite woman came up to me and presented her Illinois ID. Real by my account, but when I asked for another form she proceeded to open her purse where I glimpsed a vertical ID of her real home state. I asked to see that one. She played it off as if her credit card was the only secondary form she had. 

"But I saw you're vertical. Just let me compare the two."

"This is the only form," she said holding the credit card, which is not a valid form of backup ID, closer to my face.

"No, the other ID."

"I don't have anything."

Riiiiight.

Saturday, May 27

Family Fun Night

I caught another three fakes on Saturday, bringing my total to an astounding 145 since my start date 290 days ago. That's an average of 0.5 IDs turned it every day regardless if I was working or not. I could be on my way to another cake before my summer vacation.

As for the fakes, nothing really stood out. Of the three, two tried to permanently damage their corneas by shoving their fingers into their eye sockets in failed attempts to prove they had different colored contacts. Nobody with bright green or blue eyes buys brown contacts.  

Nobody. And if you've done it in the past, I can only assume your motivations were to elude the police after you burned that poor Hoosier's family house down. You were friends you sick bastard.

I also had a 19-year-old pass off her poorly cut Minnesota forgery in the midst of her family celebrating a birthday despite every single member of the 13-person party being from not Minnesota.

Saturday was also the night my family decided to spend a night out on the town. Yay me!

It was cool, mostly. They made me these fakes for your viewing pleasure. Yes, that is me in cow slippers next to Misty Cherry.